Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

This post is for those of you who have been keeping up with my employment status, or the lack thereof. I'll come back and write a prequel, but need a place to immediately gather all the BS that's currently transpiring.

Email sent Friday, March 15:

Hello,

On several occasions I have emailed Simon and asked for clarification, but have not received a response. After Trisha contacted me this week to ask where my timesheet was, I have even more questions.

I have assumed that my services are no longer required by either of the At Home stores. Yet, I have yet to receive any information to verify this, or to give any reason why. As a contracted service provider, I know that you are under no obligation to retain my services or make any compensation. But as someone who has, as far as I know, provided good work and gone above and beyond my pay grade many times, it's extremely unprofessional to have not received some sort of confirmation.

As this has been rather aggravating, to say the least, I do not wish to call or come into the store. It has also occurred to me that Simon no longer works there, but as a friend I would have thought he'd let me know. Has he sustained an accident or worse?

Will someone please respond to this email and clarify the situation as soon as possible?

Thank you,

Nancy Ragghianti

Immediate response from the store owner, who is allegedly a former English teacher. Ahem:

I had not realize that Simon had not responded to your cocerns! 

I will get with him asap! 

Sorry about the lack of communication on this matter. 

Email received Monday, March 18:

You always could have called. I will try you a little later.

My response:

I do not want a phone call. I want written communication, not a confrontation. 

His BS:

Why would you think there was going to be a confrontation.

You emailed that you assumed you were no longer working here without taking into account anything else. Such as people being busy and/or sick. Or the fact that independent contractors are usually proactive about seeing if clients have work instead of waiting for them to reach out.

I have no personal issue and never have had one. We've talked enough that you should know I separate the work and home quite well.

Since you had assumed you were not doing any more work here we chose to move forward with an alternate plan of attack going forward. Thats all.

My retort:

This is preposterous. You have ALWAYS contacted me. In fact, you've generally hounded me to do more work than I had time for. It appears to me that you've decided you want to do all the graphics work yourself, which I don't understand. I had written to you asking about the plan for March, and was ignored. Suddenly that FB cover popped up, and you had no explanation why. I wrote again asking what was going on, and got no response. 

This is a really disingenuous response. I would appreciate an honest, straightforward answer.

And then, the final fuckery:

Just because you don't like the answer does not make it any less of a true response. 



I greatly disagree with the term 'hounded' as for over a year i had simply asked you to come by for a couple hours once a week so we could touch base. Yet, that was almost always to difficult to pull off.

So since you made the assumption your services were not needed based off a single Facebook cover, which i am allowed to do whenever i want, it seemed like a good point to move forward in another direction.

Considering you didn't want to be confrontational, the tone of your messages from the beginning has been off putting and I was choosing not to respond instead of responding a similar manner.

I find the rapidity of the breakdown disappointing, but it is likely best that this is the final communication as far as past services rendered and anything business wise moving forward.

So there you have it. Question for the class: is this a form of gaslighting, or is there a better categorization? I'm guessing it fits, since it's putting all the burden on me.

This is ridiculous

At the beginning of 2011, I created a lofty list of laudable goals. One of those goals was to spend less time on Facebook and more time blogging. 

You may notice that today is November 18, 2012. And that this is also the first blog post since May of 2011. Let's see how the rest of those goals are faring.

1. Less Facebook, more genuine writing. Already discussed. Fail.
2. Take better care of myself. Nope, that one has fallen by the wayside.
3. Throw shit out. I can claim some success here. Not enough, there are still tremendous amounts of stuff in this house to go through, but progress has been made.
4. Get my finances in order. Still a work in progress.
5. Accept things as they are, take things one day at a time. Still a work in progress.
6. Try not to read subtext into every conversation or lack of one. Still filled with fail on this one.
7. Stop the self-deprecating humor. I am getting better at this, I believe. It still wells up like a foul artesian well, but I'm much better at capping the flow.

Seven goals. Only one of which has resulted in measurable success. This is disappointing. No sense whining about it, though. Rending of garments and gnashing of teeth only results in nothing to wear and loose fillings. 

This is horrifying

I haven't written and posted anything since January.

There are reasons and excuses, of course. Life, love and turmoil have gotten in the way.

However, a new era has descended upon the House of Klevabich. A return to a time long forgotten - that of single-hood. Surprised? I was.

In one way or another, I have been entangled in some sort of love affair/relationship/rapture/crush/obsession ever since late 1993. That's just astounding to me, even though I was obviously there the whole time. I shan't go into detail, since it would be unseemly and possibly hurtful to other carbon-based life forms. Just take my word for it.

I'm actually rather excited about this new phase. Which is quite a surprise to me, given the angst and heartburn that have occurred recently.

However, this is the secret of life - adapt or perish. When life hands you lemons, throw them with vigor and scream obscenities. Then, re-evaluate and reconfigure. I've done it more than once, shall probably do it again, and welcome the next phase.

Life is good, my friends. So very good. I wouldn't trade one god-damned moment.

Can anyone explain this?

Over the past couple of years, I've encountered many sorrows. Not whining - no, not at all. Such is the life of the average adult human. Relationships die, relatives die, friendships die. Jobs die, money disappears, circumstances change. Love is lost, love is unrequited, nothing works out quite as we'd like. It's all part of the dance.

Yet through all of this, I've been noticeably free of tears. Not completely free of them - I've cried a bit, now and then, but no big breakdown. I've wondered about this, wondered why I didn't, wouldn't, couldn't, just sit down and sob my eyes out. Rending of garments, gnashing of teeth - all seemed appropriate, yet didn't occur. I figure it's because deep down I've been afraid that once I let go, it would all go spiraling down into a place from where I couldn't save myself. And at times, I'm pretty sure that's been a valid fear.

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Tonight was the series finale of Medium on CBS. This has been one of my all time favorite TV series since its inception. I don't think there's an episode I haven't seen. I discovered earlier today that tonight was the final episode, and was saddened by it, but after all. It's a god-damned TV show. Not the end of the world.

++++++++++++++++++++

I just finished crying my eyes out. Sobbing. Ugly cry. I already have a cold - now I can't breathe at all. And this wailing started while there was still ten minutes left of the show.

Perhaps it's because I have admired (even though I know it's just a TV program) Allison and Joe DuBois's relationship and wished it was possible to have that sort of love. The sort of love that transcends the passing of years, the bearing of children, the everyday annoyances of life. I've wondered if it was truly possible to keep a relationship alive for years and still have that spark, that lust.

Their middle kid? Bridgette? I've been in love with her for years. Known that if I could have been guaranteed a child such as her, I would have given birth. There have been few children who have inspired that sort of feeling.

So there you have it. How I spent my Friday evening. Maybe this is for the best. Perhaps I need to cry more often, and more vigorously. Gourd knows there are things that make me want to sit down and cry like a little bitch, and maybe it's not healthy to hold that in.

I'd rather have a rhino

So this rhino-virus thing is the shits. Yesterday was my first day back at work after the holiday break, and it about killed me. Of course, part of the problem was that everyone was in first-day-back mode and there was a lot of socializing. Meaning talking. Bringing on a mother of a sore throat. Came home and crashed on the couch for an hour before I could even muster up the strength to open a can of soup. 

Today was much, much better, but I still don't have much in the way of energy. And there are all those resolutions goals to work on. What to do... So far all I've done is catch up on Facebook and evidently piss people off. Oh well. It's what I do best, right?

Also, to me I sound a lot like this woman:

Day Two: Refining

After thinking about this whole adventure, I want to change from using the word "resolution" to using the term  "goal." I think that's where a lot of intentions go wrong right from the start. We make a "resolution" and resolve to embrace a new habit Right. Damn. Now. When, in fact, most of us do better taking baby steps and not trying to change the world overnight.

Example: you "resolve" to start working out every day. Day one goes great. Strong workout, on top of the world. Day two, can't get a babysitter so you miss it. Day three, great workout. Day four, Aunt Ethel's birthday. Day five, everyone from the office is going out right after work, so... Day six, you're busy getting stuff done and returning calls and fixing that leaky faucet and all of a sudden it's bedtime. Day seven, time to go visit the folks. Day eight? What the hell, you've already missed four days, another won't hurt... Day twelve, you're a failure. You've already blown it, why even think about continuing that gym membership.

Setting a goal is different. Your GOAL is to work out more often. Therefore, you miss a few days, you just go back to it, because you haven't failed. The year has just begun, and your GOAL is to work out and get fit. There can't have been a failure, since it's a process and you've just started.
Make sense? OK then, change my resolutions to goals.

And while we're at it, let's add a new goal: less negative self-talk. A little self-deprecating humor is fine, but I take it to a whole new level. Those who know me well probably know exactly what I'm talking about. A little is funny, but I think subconsciously I've been listening to the fat girl comments and taking them to heart. Yes, I'm overweight. Yes, I need to lose. But no, I'm not an ugly cow that no man would ever be interested in. Not true, and I can give you a couple of references if you don't believe me. So enough already.  

Day One: Letting Go

I'm already making progress in this fine year of two-thousand and eleven. Doesn't that sound better than two-thousand and ten? Ten is a hard word. Eleven is softer, more inviting. Plus it's an odd number, which is much more auspicious than an even number. Trust me on this.

Anyway, we were talking progress. After writing these resolutions and committing them to the ether, I turned off the lights and music and sat with candlelight and treelight and contemplated the passing of the old year and entrance of the new. And it occurred to me that what it all boils down to, what I really need to do, is to let go.

Let go of possessions. Let go of expectations. Let go of anger. Let go of a few dreams, even. Just...let go.

This is going to be hard.

Happy Damned New Year, Damn It!

Well. A total of three blog posts during this fine year of 2010. The first one was bemoaning what a sucktastic year 2009 was, and making threats about how this year was going to shake out. Turns out 2010 sucked large as well in many ways, but of course it had its good parts. I will say, I did stick to my plan pretty well. Too well, some might say. I've ruffled some feathers, possibly alienated one or two.

But, I've also made new friends. A lot of virtual friends on Facebook, several of whom I hope to meet in person soon, since they're not that far away. A few that I'll probably never meet, but still value highly.

Best of all, I've found a job. Not just a job, but one that I love. Working for and with people who appreciate and trust me, and I cannot tell you what a great feeling that is. Mark that on the plus side.

On the negative side, there were quite a few things. I don't even want to go into them. If you know me at all, you know what they were. If you don't know me that well, you wouldn't find it interesting. And it's all water under the proverbial bridge now. Buh bye, 2010.

This year I'm doing something out of character - making resolutions setting goals and putting them in writing. This list will be edited and added to during the coming days as I refine a plan, but here's the gist of it:

1. Spend less time on Facebook and more time blogging. Facebook is a land of sound bites and quips that disappear as quickly as they're written down. I need to start writing for myself, and hopefully it will entertain other people as well.
• Regarding Facebook: realize more often that not everything needs a response or reply, no matter how clever it sounds in my head. Plus, if you don't comment or "like" your notifications are fewer. Less clutter.
• Refrain as much as possible from the cryptic status update. It gets old, fast.
2. Take better care of myself. Exercise is key, that has to start happening right away. Eating less, drinking less, sleeping more, all that good shit. I'm not 25 anymore. The body is going to give out if I don't straighten up.
3. Throw.Shit.Out. I've done some, but have to ramp it up to full steam ahead. Toss shit, donate shit, organize shit. Seriously. It's reached critical mass.
4. Get my finances in order. Dire subject. Don't want to talk about it and kill my buzz right now.
5. Try to accept things for what they are and take it one day at a time. This is the killer. There are things and relationships in my life that are super frustrating, and it's so hard to just sit back and let life happen. I'm a bit of a control freak, and need to work at letting go. And along with that...
6. Try to not read a subtext into every interaction or lack of it. As of today, that's still a pretty large problem for me, and I need to work hard on it. 
7. Stop the constant self-deprecating "humor." The subconscious seems to be listening in and suffering for it. I'm not a stand-up comedian, I don't need to do self-deprecating jokes.

So there you have it. In writing so I have witnesses. May this year bring us all peace, love and understanding.

The Retail Excesses Awards, Friday night edition

What could it possibly hurt to go to Home Depot and Costco on a Friday night? I mean, I'm tired, I'll just get what I need and hurry home. Right?

Not so fast, my friend. You have to factor in the Payday Effect, plus the I Have Gift Cards To Home Depot paradigm, and it becomes a perfect storm of excess.

Home Depot was at least practical. A new, much needed lamp for the living room. A combination lock-box for a spare key. A timer for the porch light. All will improve my quality of life.

The Definitely Need New Lightbulbs Award

Costco? Not so much. Sure, there's the new rug for inside the front door. Economical, attractive and practical. Antihistamines, melatonin, a bottle of wine. No big deal. But then the madness begins...

The Grape Expectations Award

Four pounds of grapes. I'm pretty sure I'll eat them all, but still. Four pounds for one person.

The Holy Mormon Pantry Award

Six hearts of romaine. SIX. That's a lot of lettuce. Chances of this all getting eaten before going to Veggie Hell? 50/50 at best.

The I Promise To Take My Lunch To Work Award

Twenty-four sandwich thins. Pretty sure they'll all get eaten - this is not my first go-round with these. They must be filled with preservatives, since they keep a long time.

The Ounce of Prevention Award

Yes indeed, that's a lot of D3. I'm not going to let the shortening days kill my mood completely!

The Ulterior Motives Award

And last, but far from least, the full case of Coronas. That's what I use to lure unsuspecting men into my lair. But don't tell anyone...

Happy Freakin' New Year

For most people I know, 2009 was not a banner year. In fact, not even an acceptable year. I'm happy to see its taillights going around that far curve.

I'm tired. Tired of being played, tired of being lied to, tired of all the bullshit. This year, you may not like me. You may not like my attitude, you may not like what you hear. But that's okay. If you don't like it, you can just keep on moving and leave me be. Don't blow any sunshine up my skirt, don't tell me what you think I want to hear.

Seriously. 2010 may not be all that much kinder than 2009 was. But goddamnit, it will be a more honest year. Brace yourselves.

Things I Love Thursday

Can you believe it's Thursday again? By now you must know the drill - every Thursday we post a list of the things we love. This tradition was started by the adorable Tee Tee, and has been spreading like wildfire. Join us, won't you? It's a very positive thing to do. It's a really good way to remind yourself of all the good things in your life.

• I love my new toy! I'm hoping it will really give my creativity the kick-start that it so badly needs.
• I love that I have such wonderful and generous friends. One in particular just knocked my socks off by sending me a completely unexpected gift. (see previous item) But they're all such a great thing in my life, and I love them more than I can express.
  
• I love that my friend's kittehs have finally decided they like me. Makes cat-sitting much more fun.
• I love that someone is coming to fix my furnace tonight, even though I'm SO not loving the fact that it broke during the first super cold spell of the year.
• I love driving my Honda again. I'd forgotten what a zippy little thing it is! Probably better put a radar detector in it, too. ;-)
• I love that my friend is going to be so pleased to come home to a clean house. Clean dishes and floors - what more can a girl want?
• I love the classic rock channel on Comcast. It's been entertaining me all day.

So what are you waiting for? Post some things that you love. It's good for the soul.

Things I Love Thursday - Thanksgiving edition

I'm a little rushed for time, but it wouldn't be right to skip a TILT on Thanksgiving!

Today I'm loving all of my friends and family, as usual, but I'm particularly grateful for my best friend since high school and the fact that I'm spending Turkey Day at her little sister's house. Seven kids in her family, and each has reproduced at least twice. (Except for her, she's smart like me.) There's just nothing like a huge family dinner.

I'm thankful for a roof over my head, MORE than enough food to eat, two cars in the driveway, and the little bit of money that's still in the bank. It's been a rough year, but I really don't have anything to complain about.

I LOVE that I didn't have to travel anywhere on I-5 yesterday. Northbound was at a standstill for most of the day, for no apparent reason. It's good to already be home. ;-)

Even though it's capricious and cruel at times, I love Facebook for having let me reconnect with a whole bunch of people that had been out of touch.

And I must single out Tee Tee - she's the one who started us all on this beautiful habit of sitting down once a week to think of the good things in our lives. She's a fabulous, joyful parade of one, and I love her to pieces. Love you, girl!

How about you? What are you most grateful for today? Write it down and share it with the rest of us, won't you?

Things I Love Thursday

I'm following Tee Tee's lead and moving my TILTs over here to my blog page. Much easier and more fun that creating a note on Facebook and running the risk of losing it all when FB has a brain fart.

• I love quotations. I try to find inspirational quotes and post them as status updates every so often. Is this annoying? If you think so, too bad. Here's my new favorite resource.
  
  
• I love being snug and warm inside and watching the wind toss the trees around. Although, if the wind and rain would like to take a vacation for a few days, I'm all for that, too.
  
  
• I love being up here at my mom's, and most important, I love her caregivers. Each one of them brings their own special talent and personality into both of our lives, and I can't say enough how grateful I am.
  
  
• I love the new gravel in the driveway. Such a luxury to not have to worry about getting stuck, and not having to worry about tracking mud all over the damned place.
  
  
• I love coffee with tasty flavored creamer stuff in it, even though it's probably full of disgusting chemicals and unhealthy crap. That's probably why it's so tasty!
  
  
• I love my Sock Monkey.
  
  
• I love that I now have a camera, even if it is my old one that doesn't have all the fancy features.
  
  
• I love that I'm slowly but surely getting my creativity and mojo back.
  
  
• And of course I love all my friends, especially YOU!

New and improved

I haven't had anything of any interest to say for the last few days, but did feel the need to do some redecorating. So here's the new template and colors. What do you think? I really like the layout, think it's much more professional looking. I suppose for the holidays I could add some red for a festive touch, but I doubt that will happen. "Bah Humbug" is my motto, so why even pretend?

Day...what day is it again?

As far as this NaBloPoMoFo thing is going, I suck. I didn't even realize I'd missed yesterday until it was *graciously* pointed out to me this morning. And you know what? Just coughing up any old crap in order to say I posted a blog every day is stupid. So eff it. When I have something to say, I'll say it. I should post more often, because the writing exercise is good for my mental state. Plus I'm sure you're all just on the edge of your seats awaiting my next utterance.

*crickets*

Well then. Excellent progress was made today in my quest to clean up and insulate the shop. Finished the east wall, at least as far as I can until I do some rewiring. Got the computer and peripherals moved over to that wall, along with a bunch of boxes. And cleaned the floor up and put down a carpet remnant so that I have a place to do my Pilates DVD. I really, really want to get back into that - when I was working out I felt so much better and looked a lot better as well. I haven't regained the weight (yet), but definitely notice the loss of muscle tone. No more excuses!

Onward and upward, one day at a time. Thanks, FPBB. ;-)

Day Six. Or would it be five, since I didn't write one yesterday?

Meh. Give me a challenge that requires sticking with something for 30 days in a row, and what will I do? Eff it up after only four. Really? Is it that goddamned hard to post some inconsequential piece of shit once a day? Especially when the supposed "author" is unemployed?

Maybe if I wouldn't stay up until all hours and then sleep until ten or eleven I'd have more motivation. More of a sense of self-worth. And it's not like I don't have plenty to do. I have ditches to fill, destruction to complete, insulation to install, boxes to empty, shit to put away. Design work to do, resumes to update - need I go on?

So what is this? Depression? Most likely, but what's new. I live with that each and every day. And I'm actually pretty happy. Sure, I'm living in a trailer on my mom's property. I'm actually happy with that. I thought I might have panic attacks and claustrophobia issues, but thus far everything's fine. So what the hell is going on? How do I kick myself in the ass and start LIVING?

Any (sincere and/or marginally kind) suggestions will be appreciated.

Day Four, and not a moment too soon

I do believe I have a better excuse for my late post tonight - I was at a friend's house watching the Yankees win the World Series. Does it get any better than this? Ah sure, there's Yankee haters all over the damned place, but I don't care. I mean...they're the YANKEES!

So anyway, this was a good day. Got some major shoveling done outside, filling in some trenches before the rain starts up again. Had a good visit on the phone with my aunt, who's evidently dying of cancer. I'm not sure what life will be like without her in the world, but unfortunately I'll find out very soon.

And tomorrow will be an even better day. Oh yes it will.

Day Three, just under the wire

Seriously, I've contemplated what I was going to write ALL DAY. And had a plan. And then got busy doing shit and going places and doing more shit and OMG IT'S ALMOST MIDNIGHT.

So it's more lame sauce. Hey, tomorrow the Yankees will more than likely win the World Series, and I'm going up to my oldest bestest friend's house to watch it. Hope we don't get into a fist fight during the game, since she's an Anti Yank-ite. But at least that would give me lots of blog fodder.

OK, I promise to do better tomorrow. Really. I mean it. Over and out.

Day two, and I'm already falling behind

I've committed to posting something every day for the month of November. Sound easy enough, right? Yet here it is nearing midnight on the second, and nothing's written yet. Why is this?

I could blame it on the fact that I was out of town for most of the day and away from the computer. Those of you who don't know me might buy that excuse. But the rest of you would have said "hey, wait just a gosh-darned minute. Didn't I see you posting on Facebook, both before and AFTER your trip to Eugene?" And of course, you are correct.

But come on - when I got home the baseball game was on. I figured it was the last game of the season, since the mighty Yankees would git 'er done and it would all be over. So I had to give it my full attention. Except for that little bit of attention I gave to Facebook.

Well, as you know by now, it ain't over. The fat lady ain't sung. And that's good, means there's more baseball to watch before the sad slide into winter sports. (Don't write and complain, hockey fans, you're right. Hockey's okay.) And it was a good game, yes it was. Kind of lopsided at first, but toward the end it was a regular nail-biter. Both teams decided it was time to shit or get off the pot, and it was ON. Sure, Yankees didn't win, but that's okay. Means there's another game, and also means the Phillies have to keep working. I don't like a one-sided series. It's not interesting, and it's not a good reflection of what it means to be the division champion. There should never be a sweep. Every year it ought to go the full seven games and keep us on the edge of our seats.

Then the game was over. Time to blog, right? Well....Two and a Half Men was on. Then The Big Bang Theory. And of course more Facebook action. Then more mindless entertainment  and...what? The day's almost over? Better cough up some sort of blog post.

And there you have it. Mission accomplished. I'll try to do better tomorrow, promise.