One more week. One more week. One. More. Week.

Oh. My. God.

I cannot wait until I get cable internet.

I’ve always had dialup at home. It’s a pain in the arse, but cheap. And the company I went with was a non-profit that charged a bit more, but in turn supplied cheap and/or free access for low-income folks, so it was all good. I’d had some problems with the speed, so was given a different phone number to use. You only got it if you complained, and it was faster and acceptable.

Recently the non-profit was bailed out by a for-profit entity, and I wondered how soon it would be before it all went in the crapper.

Hmmm, about a year or so.

They recently, for whatever reason, changed the phone number. It’s been horrid, all sorts of trouble connecting, unbearably low speed. I’ve sent several emails, and the most recent response said, basically:

• This stuff happens.
• You probably don’t have it set up correctly.
• Oh, and if you want to cancel (as I had threatened), be sure to call our billing department.

That’s nice. Lovely way to treat someone who’s been a customer for over five years.

So I logged onto Comcast cable. Signed up online. Simple as pie. I’ll get my self-installation kit and FREE modem in a week or so. Then I’ll be able to actually SEE all my friends’ MySpace pages without waiting for hours! Possibly keep my own page updated! Upload stuff to my website in minutes! Who knew?

More expensive, but hey, some of the best things in life are NOT free, unfortunately.

So you want to send me an email

Let's go over the ground rules, shall we?

Email is fabulous. I could not live without it. But I've been finding some little jewels in my inbox that I'd just as soon not live with.

Got an opinion about the immigration conflagration that's going on? Have some strong feelings about patriotism, the American flag, the current political atmosphere and the war in Iraq? Sure you do. We all do.

But here's the deal: I am an unabashed, unashamed, unapologetic liberal, for the most part. I tend to favor the death penalty and I don't think there are enough law enforcement personnel available in my city and state. That kind of knocks my claim of being a bleeding heart liberal into the pooper, doesn't it? But here are a few little advisories to consider before adding me to the list of recipients in your next email forward.

1. Is it true? This doesn't apply to jokes and sarcasm, of course. But if it's allegedly a letter someone has written, or one of Andy Rooney's pieces, or the latest computer virus or safety warning, do me a favor. Check it out. Snopes is a good resource. Google it.

2. Is it expressing a narrow-minded viewpoint? Keep it to yourself unless you are 100% positive that it's a narrow-minded view that I hold myself. Since I try to keep an open mind, it's probably safe to assume that I won't find it humorous or interesting.

3. Does it require the outlook of organized Christianity? Then it probably falls under category #2 already.

4. Did you send it to me last week? last month? last year? Is it one that's already gone around multiple times? Then why send it again?

5. Is it strictly "cute" with lots of animated GIFs, drawings of cute bunnies and such? Hmmm, I think I got that one last week. Thanks anyway.

6. And for the love of (insert your favorite deity here), if you find yourself forwarding more than one or two emails per day, carefully examine your motivation. Have you read them? Are they funny? Do they pass rules one and four, since those views are shared by almost everyone? Doubtful.

Now you know.

Rainy Memorial Day? What a surprise.

So here we are. Almost Memorial Day weekend, for what it's worth. Last week? Hotter'n hell, well, for this time of year anyway. Now?

Rain.

We needed rain, yes. But now my damned garden plot is mud again. Thank god I got it mostly worked up while it was medium-damp, so it won't be as hard to work with if it EVER stops raining again.

I hate people who complain about the rain, don't you?

What, you couldn't write once in a while?

A certain friend of mine who shall remain nameless keeps hounding me about the delinquent status of this blog. And he's right. What's the date of the last post, January something? Despicable.

Truth is, I've gotten sucked into a message board. One of those Yahoo groups. Hush up -- I know, sounds fairly lame. But these women are my soul -sisters, my homies, my peeps. Not that you aren't, oh no no no. It's just -- oh, you wouldn't understand.

There's only so much time one can spend on the computer, writing brilliant quips and such, at work and at home. Oh, just on my breaks at work, don't get me wrong.

Here's another reason: All I can come up with for writing material is bitching, whining, kvetching, and complaining. Do any of you really, honestly wish to read more of that? I didn't think so.

So here you go. Perhaps this will free my inner author and I can bore the hell out of you repeatedly in the future. Cheers!

Helpful Hints for Spammers

It has come to my attention that there is some confusion in the minds of spammers regarding topics that would interest me enough to actually open their emails before deleting them.

So here's an important clue: when you see the name "nancy" in an email address, think female. As in not interested in Viagra or Cialis or what have you. You may be thinking of "nancy boy," but in that case giving HER something to smile about would not be of interest, either.

I am not interested in adding to my girth, thank you very much. I have more than enough. Length, sure, if you mean height, but I don't think you do.

To answer the other descriptive subject lines phrased in the form of questions, let's just say that no, I have not and never will.

A new calendar year, big deal

Every year, the same story. Magazines full of articles on changing your life, organizing, losing weight, all those New Year's Resolutions everyone supposedly makes. A new calendar, a new year, a new you. While I have no problem with anyone trying to improve their lives and thereby their happiness, I do have a problem with the assumption that putting a new bound-stack-of-paper-with-pictures-and-dates-on-it up on the wall changes everything. Doesn't it seem more logical to fix problems as you recognize them, and when you've just HAD IT and things just have to change?

Besides, to me the new year starts in the fall, back-to-school time. What's new about this time of year besides having to buy a new calendar? Same old long winter nights, rainy grey days. Spring would make more sense when it comes to new beginnings, and would make it a lot easier to stick to those exercise-related goals.

Happy New Calendar Purchasing Season.

What do you think they're for?

Headlights

Yes, they are mainly for seeing what you're about to run over in the dark. But did you also know that they assist other drivers in seeing YOUR sorry ass? Say it's foggy, which it is. Say you're driving a silver or white car. Or some piece of shit covered in primer. How visible do you think you are on a foggy day? You're not. No matter what color your vehicle is, not only are you not very visible in the fog, but you're made even less visible by the contrast between your stupid self and the other people on the road who have pulled their heads out of their asses for one brief second and turned on their lights. I don't care if your car doesn't have some sort of buzzer to warn you that you've left your lights on -- which would you rather have, a dead battery? Or an accident that could result in dead people, possibly yourself included? 'Nuff said.

Turn signals

Did you know that the lever that sticks out of your steering column on the left side turns on (and off) flashing lights located at all four corners of your car? Did you know that the driver behind you might appreciate your using them before slamming on your brakes and tuning? The oncoming traffic just might find it interesting to know in which direction you plan to aim that deadly weapon on wheels, too. And when your done with them? For the love of all that is holy, turn them off! Do you never look at your dashboard? Sheesh.

Sidewalks

They are for walking. Not skateboarding, not bicycling if you're under ten. They are also NOT a doggy restroom.

God, I'm getting bitchy in my old age....