17 September 2010

The Retail Excesses Awards, Friday night edition

What could it possibly hurt to go to Home Depot and Costco on a Friday night? I mean, I'm tired, I'll just get what I need and hurry home. Right?

Not so fast, my friend. You have to factor in the Payday Effect, plus the I Have Gift Cards To Home Depot paradigm, and it becomes a perfect storm of excess.

Home Depot was at least practical. A new, much needed lamp for the living room. A combination lock-box for a spare key. A timer for the porch light. All will improve my quality of life.

The Definitely Need New Lightbulbs Award

Costco? Not so much. Sure, there's the new rug for inside the front door. Economical, attractive and practical. Antihistamines, melatonin, a bottle of wine. No big deal. But then the madness begins...
The Grape Expectations Award
Four pounds of grapes. I'm pretty sure I'll eat them all, but still. Four pounds for one person.
The Holy Mormon Pantry Award
Six hearts of romaine. SIX. That's a lot of lettuce. Chances of this all getting eaten before going to Veggie Hell? 50/50 at best.
The I Promise To Take My Lunch To Work Award
Twenty-four sandwich thins. Pretty sure they'll all get eaten - this is not my first go-round with these. They must be filled with preservatives, since they keep a long time.
The Ounce of Prevention Award
Yes indeed, that's a lot of D3. I'm not going to let the shortening days kill my mood completely!
The Ulterior Motives Award
And last, but far from least, the full case of Coronas. That's what I use to lure unsuspecting men into my lair. But don't tell anyone...


May :: Earth to Girl said...

Pretty balanced diet you have there, and well lit so you'll see each and every grape, vitamin, salad, buns, and beer as you devour them... every single day for every single meal... for the next 3 weeks! I think this shows much restraint! You could've done much more damage.

Michael said...

Fu*k it! It's Pay!Day! When was the last time you heard those words in context of actually getting paid!?! For Working!?!
Necessities all I say! You may commence on that there Rack O'brews.

gretchen said...

I love you. I myself have two pounds of organic black grapes in my frig, and Triscuit doesn't eat em. Although the brie is another matter entirely!