21 January 2011

Can anyone explain this?

Over the past couple of years, I've encountered many sorrows. Not whining - no, not at all. Such is the life of the average adult human. Relationships die, relatives die, friendships die. Jobs die, money disappears, circumstances change. Love is lost, love is unrequited, nothing works out quite as we'd like. It's all part of the dance.

Yet through all of this, I've been noticeably free of tears. Not completely free of them - I've cried a bit, now and then, but no big breakdown. I've wondered about this, wondered why I didn't, wouldn't, couldn't, just sit down and sob my eyes out. Rending of garments, gnashing of teeth - all seemed appropriate, yet didn't occur. I figure it's because deep down I've been afraid that once I let go, it would all go spiraling down into a place from where I couldn't save myself. And at times, I'm pretty sure that's been a valid fear.

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Tonight was the series finale of Medium on CBS. This has been one of my all time favorite TV series since its inception. I don't think there's an episode I haven't seen. I discovered earlier today that tonight was the final episode, and was saddened by it, but after all. It's a god-damned TV show. Not the end of the world.

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I just finished crying my eyes out. Sobbing. Ugly cry. I already have a cold - now I can't breathe at all. And this wailing started while there was still ten minutes left of the show.

Perhaps it's because I have admired (even though I know it's just a TV program) Allison and Joe DuBois's relationship and wished it was possible to have that sort of love. The sort of love that transcends the passing of years, the bearing of children, the everyday annoyances of life. I've wondered if it was truly possible to keep a relationship alive for years and still have that spark, that lust.

Their middle kid? Bridgette? I've been in love with her for years. Known that if I could have been guaranteed a child such as her, I would have given birth. There have been few children who have inspired that sort of feeling.

So there you have it. How I spent my Friday evening. Maybe this is for the best. Perhaps I need to cry more often, and more vigorously. Gourd knows there are things that make me want to sit down and cry like a little bitch, and maybe it's not healthy to hold that in.

3 comments:

Holly said...

Well, I can't explain it, but I have lived it. Whenever I'm in need of a good cry I turn to the tv. The Color Purple, Hotel Rwanda... Some of us just don't get there easily, we need a little wooing. If it's good enough for the Greeks, it's good enough for me.

gretchen said...

fluThe feeling that I haven't cried has been a persistent one for me. It's not the same as that chest tight and throat full feeling I get when I am trying not to cry.

Sometimes a show or a book is peopled with characters that I feel a kinship to, fictional or not.

I also think vis a vis the crying thing--sometimes we find a kinship that touches that same part of us that needs to cry, and we get it when we need it.

Hugs and kisses.
G

Stone said...

I don't know your answer, but I can share with you what I have come to understand about one of my answers. I have been on both sides of the coin: cried too much, too often and so shut down that nothing touched me. It has the same cause: lack of trust in myself to take care of me. What to do? I learned that I was working off of a faulty model. I learned to trust the process and myself. The tears and sadness would not last forever. As I learned to let "it" pass through, the strangest thing happened, I started to feel more in control of my emotions and not fear them or me. This is also the short version. My reality that I was not accepting took longer to process. This has been my experience. It may not be yours. ((hugs))